“Social climbing isn’t rude, it’s class warfare. Better to be blacklisted than to not be on the list at all.”
Nimrod Kamer shares his tips for slipping under the velvet rope and cheating your way to the top.
On social media:
Buy fake followers, fake comments, fake likes, fake dislikes (on YouTube). You’ll create much needed employment in Bangladesh.
Most click farms are located in Asia. Why pay Facebook for an ad to promote your content when you can pay directly to farmers?
On Uber:
Meet beautiful strangers randomly at the back seat of an Uber pool and marry them. Uber is the new Tinder.
Split the Uber fair with long lost friends on your phone’s contact list. They aren’t in the car with you – it makes no difference. Some might be ignorant enough to pay, tapping ‘accept’ by mistake.
On art fairs:
Go to every art fair around the world. Hong Kong, Miami, Basel. You’re a collector, not a journalist. Arrive with a canvas of your own to make the impression that you just bought it. No one is allowed to take their purchases home. Except you.
Go into the UBS Bank lounge using someone else’s guest pass. VIPs can get unlimited guest passes if they claim to have lost them. Ask to rent art rather than buy it.
On getting into private members clubs:
Members clubs have a soft spot for those who owe them money. Arrive in the morning with $250 in cash and demand entry to pay your bill from last night. There is no bill. Then you insist, it’s at the bar upstairs.
When you’re upstairs keep on looking for your tab. Order sparkling water and allow them to check everywhere, no rush. On your way out leave a scarf in the cloakroom permanently. Use the cloakroom ticket to get in the following day.
On dating:
For romance’s sake – fly separately, meet at the destination. Don’t share links with each other to pass the time – only original content. Use google images for sexy pics in case you get hacked. No nudes is good nudes.
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Nimrod Kamer is a self-proclaimed social climber and writer (Vice, GQ).
This PORTRAIT is extracted from Nimrod Kamer’s new book The Social Climber’s Handbook: A Shameless Guide, which is available here.